Tyler G Hall

Three Absurd Facts About Japan

Look, we all get it: other countries are super silly. Koreans consider live octopus a delicacy while Canadians are known to enjoy repurposed urine called “Molson.”  Most men in Bali wear skirts and fittingly most women wear pants. No, just kidding, they wear skirts too. What do you think this is, anarchy? Even our closest blood relative, the British, call french fries “chips” and you don’t even wanna know what they call chips (“yumyumchompers”).  And once you manage to order some fries the waiter will charge you for “catsup.”  I know times are tough but come on, man, this isn’t even the real thing.  

However, we have to be forgiving of our differences. Over the course of history, each country develops a culture unique to themselves through homogenization, societal drift, and whatever Urban Outfitters sells there. Any of these peculiarities should be taken in the context of a diverse global landscape.  Even our own United States can probably seem a little funny at times. For example, we claim to a bastion of freedom yet we have the largest prison population in the world. Also we park on driveways and drive on parkways! 

Still, there is one country that truly stands out as the zaniest bunch of crazy birds on this bucket of carbon we call Earth. That country is Japan. We all know that Japan has some world class quirks like super crowded bullet trains, bizarre game shows, and a nearly 100% literacy rate.  But beneath all of those eccentricities, there are real gems of elegant absurdity. The following are three completely true facts about the Land of the Rising Sun that will make you say, “Huh, well I don’t about all that but they sure make a heckuvah a sedan.”

1. Porn is Illegal in Japan¹

Some of us more prudish and SOPA-inclined might think that this is great news. But for anyone born with a boner after 1983, we know that this is the height of hypocrisy.  The same country that gave the world:

  also brings us:   

In Japan it is illegal to create or release uncensored live action pornography because it has been deemed “injurious to public morals.” Until recently they even went as far as censoring pubic hair and genitals shown in dramatic films (re: all the good parts). However, this catch-all law doesn’t manage to include the seemingly endless amount of fantastically insane animated pornography produced and distributed in Japan every year. The cycling combinations of girl on guy on monster on tentacle on smoke deity on manbaby that is anime porn has received the clear to be produced and distributed. I’m not here to judge anyone who enjoys these sorts of online videos — that is what your IT guy at work is for. But it seems more than strange that regular pornos are deemed “injurious to public moral” while a pantheon of pairings that only Rick Santorum could imagine as reality are cranked out for crank outs.  

2. The Japanese are Obsessed with an Invisible Crime Problem²

Anyone who has been to Japan knows that you can buy almost anything in a vending machine. Soda, beer, ties, umbrellas, lobsters, and even used school girls panties. As such, the streets in many cities are lit aglow with lines of these machines. Keep this in mind. Now another interesting fact about Japan is that is has one of the lowest crime rates in world. They have the second lowest homicide rate and other violent crimes are similarly rare. Nevertheless, Japanese women tend to be acutely or, arguably, irrationally afraid of crime.  So much so in fact that they have developed a uniquely Japanese way of evading these hypothetical criminals. 

For $800, you can purchase this beauty: a skirt cum soda machine. The idea being that as a woman is pursued on the streets by an invisible man she can easily slip around the corner, unfurl her skirt, and seamlessly blend into her surrounds thusly:

In the United States, many women carry pepper spray to protect themselves from attackers and/or Wall Street occupiers. However, in Japan this must have seemed overzealous, as they don’t have any real problems with crime and/or capitalism, so they went for a more elegant solution.  

3. Japan has the Highest Adoption Rate³

Japan and the United States have the highest rates of adoption in the world, but with one major difference. Only 2% of Japanese adoption is of children. The other 98% is of 25-30 year old male college graduates, a.k.a. the least disenfranchised people in the world. And therein lies the reason: franchises - or rather businesses. Japanese run businesses are some of the most successful in the world and some of the biggest - Toyota, Suzuki, and Kikkoman - have been family run for many generations. Their secret: perfect sons*. But when a family doesn’t have a competent heir apparent, the family doesn’t just hand their company off to a corporate board. Instead, the CEO will basically crash an MBA graduation and legally adopt a graduate into their family to run their company.

Not only does this chosen carpetbagger completely disown his former family, he is often married off to one of the new family’s daughters in an omiai marriage, which I’m pretty sure is Japanese for “barely not incest.” There are a lot of winners in this formula; the family gets to keep their business and the adoptee gets to be in charge of a company/sisterwife. However, one of the hardest conversations any father has to have with his son is explaining that he is giving his inheritance to a stranger who he loves more and who will now be nailing his sister. 

My New Favorite Thing is

Benjamin Todd Jealous. He is the current president of the NAACP (National Association of Allowed to say “Colored People”). Nothing funny on the face of it, aside from his stock photo that looks like a promo shot from the Kwanzaa episode of Boston Legal.  

But as the president of the NAACP (National Association of Answering Calls from Press), Benny T. Jealous has to give a quote to the media every time something racist happens in politics (i.e. the Republican primary). As such, there are a lot of quotes published under his name.  And the wonderful part is that, due to his last name, they all read like petty jabs against him from the press.  Here’s a sampling:

“Mr. Jealous said in a statement. ‘The majority of people using food stamps are not African-American, and most people using food stamps have a job.’” link

“But Mr. Jealous said that “one of the most perplexing examples of the contradictions of this moment in history is that Nikki Haley, South Carolina’s first governor of color, continues to fly the Confederate Flag.” link

“But Mr. Jealous said Mr. Gingrich has not always practiced what he preached.” link

“Mr. Jealous will be accompanied by jazz and R&B sensation Pieces of a Dream, who will perform at 9:30 pm following the reception.” link

I just can’t wait for the day that I can read the times when we have a Secretary of State James Bigshot or a Attorney General Diane Tocoolfurskol.

A Party In Colonial Williamsburg

Directions

In the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume the powers of the earth. Thus Williamsburg was born a free state. But don’t worry, the L Train is running, so you can still come hang.

Minutes of the Evening

10:01p - Hand rolling cigarettes

10:30p - Churn fresh vegan butter

10:31p - Pack wagon and journey to bodega for non-shitty butter

10:33p - Return from bodega, only 3 survive

11:04p - Invent bifocals

11:05p - Invent bifocals for people that don’t need bifocals

11:15p - Mold democracy

12:02a - Declaration of Independence from your parents 

12:15a - Chai tea party

12:40a - Hijack playlist with super fresh glockenspiel track

12:41a - Glockenspiel goes out of style  

1:10a - Swap homemade jams

1:15a - Stockings are getting a little snug

1:24a - Fuck taxes, am I right man?

2:05a - Skirmish with the natives (mainly Italian)

2:07a - Make peace with natives after swapping killer sausage recipes

2:30a - Moustache contest 

3:00a - Kick out quartered soldiers. Except for Edward, I’m fucking Edward

3:34a - The sun finally sets on the British Empire

Long term: Die at 27.

Just got back from DC

Was hooking up with an old flame.